Monday, January 16, 2012
Hawk The Slayer
Then there are people like me, who love to watch terrible movies simply because they have the exact opposite of all of the above.
Why do people like me willingly submit ourselves to such torture? Why, because it's freaking hilarious, of course!
Hawk the Slayer is the epitome of bad movies. It is the Casablanca of bad movies. It is what every bad movie aspires to be. It is like the matrix in that it cannot be explained, but rather must be experienced. But I will try to explain it anyway.
Hawk is the son of a nobleman who returns home just in time to not stop his elder brother Jack Palance... I mean Voltan... from murdering their father. As Hawk holds his dying father in his arms, his father gives him some sort of magical sword that turns him into a jedi. (Seriously. His sword glows and will levitate into his hand.) He then sets off to to gather a bunch of old friends to save a nunnery and defeat his brother once and for all. Unfortunately his brother has an entire army.
That's the basic premise, but... seriously, this movie is too amazing for words. It has hilariously terrible dialog (I am no messanger, but I will bring you a message... the message of DEATH!), less convincing battle scenes than the infamous "lightningn bolt" LARP (seriously, this is better done), terribly hilarious special effects (glowing bouncy balls of doom!), and a strange vendetta against the ground (just try and count how many times the ground gets stabbed or shot... go ahead).
I am sincerely surprised that the MST3K gang never got around to riffing it. I hope one day to do my own riff... when I find the time.
Bottom Line: While this movie may be a joke, it's no joke to say that this movie is quite possibly the best worst movie ever made. It's a little hard to find outside of Amazon or eBay, but if you like bad movies and can find a copy, you really need to watch it. It's totally worth it.